trials and turmoil

long time

2008-04-23T00:24:29Z

well it's been a fair while since i posted. about 5 weeks i think this site said LOL. things have been so incredibly busy with wedding organisation. the date is set now and theres only just over a month to go. most things are organised, just hoping everything falls into place now. kind of nervous. it's going to suck if it rains...

oh that reminds me, i should check the history of rain levels on the day im getting married lol... just to see what our chances are.

well i sat the exam. it was a BITCH of an exam. took forever. my back and arse was killing me. not to mention for the first hour and half i was freezing so much!! the temperature was 30 degrees outside, so i assumed a t-shirt and jeans would be adequate for indoors. i was so wrong. it was like 16 degrees inside. and when your sitting down for a long period of time it feels like it's 5.

i feel that things have been progressing well with my figure. i'm enjoying having the freedom of picking anything and most of it looking good. i gues thiness is the price you have to pay to look good in everything. on the downside im recieving so much criticism from my family. my mum keeps grabbing my collar bones. the stupid thing is, im still in the healthy range for my height. i'm only a little girl, i've always been thin. there was a time in my life i got kinda chunky, and everyone paid me out about that. now im thin and everyone pays me out. so stupid. i like being thin.

i think i have about 3kg to go and i'm at my goal weight :). mum will be very annoyed. i'm going for a slimming body wrap this thursday. it's not supposed to help you lose weight (which is fine) but it is a huge detoxifying treatment for your body. it's supposed to remove a few inches in total from all over... i have to get it now to see if it affects my wedding dress. if it does, then i knwo not to get one just before the wedding.

if it doesnt, i'm definately going to get another one before i head off to my bikini infested honey moon LOL!!

i cut myself for the first time in over 2 years a couple of weeks ago. it wasn't pretty. things were getting so bad at home. everone was taking things personally. i couldnt handle the emotional issues. i took it on physcally. i cut 4 times, 3 times on one thigh and once on the other. they bled, but they weren't nearly as deep as the last one i did. that left an ENORMOUS scar. i could see the fat tissue when i cut that one. it was bad.

i tried to hide the cuts when my partner and i were having sex. it was working well until after we finsihed he threw the sheet off himself. i tried to catch it in time. i covered pretty quick. i think he saw them. he looked up at me and gave me a hug. but it wasnt just any hug. there was huge emotion in it. he looked at me and told me he loved me. i knew he had seen the cuts. i mean, he hugs me & tells me he loves me all the time, but this one was just different.

i felt bad. i dont like him seeing my weaknesses. i know we're getting married, but its so hard to just be completely open with someone. even now. i do try though.

i guess i should write on a more regular basis. things are so busy that i dont even have to time to go into the communities and check out peoples post while im at work anymore.

i'm hoping for a good day.

2 days until D-Day

2008-03-13T02:59:33Z

So i have my exam on saturday. Getting really nervous. I REALLY REALLY want to pass and get an interview for my university of choice. I've paid the money and i've pulled my weight with the studying. I'm still trying to get my head around the essay section, it will probably end up being my worst. But if i work on it, atleast my worst wont fuck me up in the long run.

Went gokarting yesterday!!! It was SOOO awsome! We did a grandprix, and i came first!! LOL. The third girl to EVER win a grandprix at this place in over 10 years. And the first girl to win on the new race track. I've got some impressive war wounds, MASSIVE bruise on my left inner knee, on my back just under my right chicken bone, on my middle vertebra (one that travels horizontally across my back), and a HUGE one on my left hip. i got most of them cos i was too small/narrow for the kart chair, which sorta made me feel good. I got thrown around a lot.

I think one of my advantages was that i was so light i could pick up heaps of speed on the straight. Eitherway, out of 9 people (only 1 other girl) i got first. LOL. I was so surprised, i NEVER win things like this. Anways, i got a trophy, and a photo with all my loser friends on the website. Exciting :).

Sunday was my partner and mines official engagement. There were so many people over at our house (which isnt what either of us wanted). But it did turn out to be a good event. Everyone was getting along like a house on fire, my family with his family. They were all so great. I've put the deposit down for the wedding venue yesterday and on Sunday we are going to pick out invitation paper. Saturday night i have a meeting with the dressmaker for the bridesmaids dresses and the other day i had a meeting with my dressmaker for my wedding dress. Everything is falling into place. So much to do!! I guess its good, its keeping me busy. After this saturday i think i'll be less stressed about it all since i won't have to worry so much about the exam and i can just focus on the wedding.

started on the pill on sunday too. Never been on it before. I'm so hesitant about gaining weight, so i made sure i went on the pill with the least progesterone level (which is the hormone that causes water retention and gaining weight). on the down side, i suffered from REALLY bad nausea. Made me feel heaps ill, so i've started taking it night from last night. It's been working well so far. Ever so slight nausea, but so much better than before. Also, i seem to be feeling a little hungrier than normal, but so long as i control my eating habits, as i have been doing, then i should be ok.

anyways, better get back to work. or studying. or something

comming along.... smoothly??

2008-03-03T21:52:35Z

well, my dad has met my partner, and tomorrow my parents will be meeting his parents. i think my partner made a good first impression, but trust my dad to be really negative. he went straight into looking at ALL the cons:

dont you think he's a bit young? he may still be in "party mode"
you will have no money to live because of the mortgage
wouldn't have been better if you met someone of your own background
etc etc

which are all stupid thoughts. i understand married life isnt EASY, especially to begin with when ive had NO experience living on my own or whatever, but we've talked abotu finances and so forth and i think we'll do just fine. we have 2 wages, minimum mortgage repayments are about 1800 (but he's been doing 2000) and i can always add more on top to bring down the loan time which will also completely decrease the amount of interest we'll have to pay.

both of us enjoy the simpler things while once in a while we like to go out and splurge. so im sure we can handle that. he's never been one to be into massive RAVES all the time and stuff. or into loads of drinking or anything like that.

dad went on to explain how mortageges lock you in and start sucking you dry, the only thing is, my partner didnt do ANYTHING before he went and saw a financial planner. plus, his parents used their own equity from their house. what kind of parents would do that if they didnt trust the choice my partner made??

anyways, although dad is being negative, he realises that this is going to go ahead, so i guess he's trying to accept it. which is good. i think it will be a good thing when he meets his parents. he will realise what kind of family my partner comes from and may relax a little. i think he's scared that when i get married they'll never see me again and my partner will also be shunned from his family because he's converting (well technically, but not lifestyle wise).

my dad thinks the only way he's going to get verification that his parents are happy with the union is if they help pay for the wedding, which is fine because they have already agreed. they think $4000 is a reasonable amount, which is fine, i have a fair amount of savings. dad says he'll go in hand in hand for the wedding. so right there is $8000, for JUST the rest of the wedding we'll need about $2000. then dress and rings and stuff on the side. i think we'll be ok.

dad thinks i just want to get married to leave the house, while my partner wants to get married cos he needs someone to help with the mortgage LOL. these days you dont have to get married for either of those, sure my parents arent keen on me moving out and you can always just get a HOUSE MATE to help with the mortgage lol. why would you make a decision that would affect the rest of your life in such a dramatic way?

i guess i just have to live with these issues for the next few months. dad will be negative, but i really think he just has to give him a chance.

studying for this major exam is getting to me now, i really want more time to do it but its hard working full time and stuff. the exam is next saturday, at 8:15am in the morning. really really really want to pass it.

anyways, i think this is long enough
xx

i guess i just have to suck it up and let it happen really. saturday my mum, me, my partner and his mum will be looking at venues for the wedding. i have 2 in mind at the moment.

quote of the EVERYTHING!!!

2008-02-21T05:49:16Z

read this unbelievable quote today:

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You are the boughs from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.... "

i love it. something that lots of parents should read. noone belongs to anyone, even children to their parents. parents can only do so much, can only nuture so much, but in the end, the child has their own opinions, beliefs and choices to make.

thought it'd be a nice momento to leave on my journal for the future :)

xx

some good news

2008-02-21T05:31:57Z

well dad knows now, and he took it surprisingly better than i expected. MUCH better than we ALL expected. As a matter of fact my sister is actually kind of annoyed cos she was expected such a bigger deal to be made. We don't get along so well and she enjoys seeing me in trouble... i get along great with my other sister, but this one is such a fuck. she doesnt let anything go. holds grudges for years and has no respect towards anyone.

anyways so everything is in motion now, i cant express how good it is to get this off my chest. on the plus side, i didnt end up cutting last time. i kind of ate a little bit instead. but i didnt feel bad, ive been doing well and i've been sick, so my body needs the boost. and it wasnt anything bad either.

feel like ive been doing great with the restricting lately. it took a bit of time, but i have things under control. i hardly even need to eat chocolate every day now. although i still have one on the odd occasion, its always a tiny piece just to make sure i dont binge on stuff later on.

clothes feel loser, and people have been commenting on my weight which feels good, eventhough they have been saying things like "you look ill", "you shouldn't try to lose weight" etc. i like it this way. i love the feeling of putting my hands on my hips and feeling the bones :).

crap gota run to the lab................

all good. i was once so involved writing on here that i forgot completely about my experiment lol. stupid me.

ive realised lately how much i hate having these body issues. i really wish i was the way i used to be, eat what i wanted when i wanted and live life to the fullest. i live life as best i can now, but food is always on my mind. i hate it. it affects everything. i have a huge exam in a few weeks and i just dont want to have to deal with body issues right now. it makes me want to scream!!!

been reading up on the proana and pa_waitingroom sites pretty regurlarly. i dont really post all that often, i reply so much more than i post. the site sometimes annoy me. i understand that everyones ED is their own personal hurdle to get over and everyones is different to an extent, but its not a lifestyle you should WANT to have. there seems to be a few people that go on to learn tips to lose weight. there are healthy ways to do this, and i wish i could do it the healthy way. i try so hard to do it the healthy way. restricting and working out can ravage your body so bad!!!

however, maybe i'm just being stupid or descrimative. i understand you dont have to be thin to have an ED, im not completely stupid, but i think some girls would probably benefit more from not putting themselves in a position of self harm. you are your own worst critic i guess.

xxx

im a blubbering idiot

2008-02-16T05:30:05Z

this is one of the most horrible feelings i've ever had. he was supposed to come today, he was supposed to help me tell my dad today. i have been so nervous all day...so nervous that i want to throw up. i called up his wife and she said he can't come today.

there wasnt even 2 hours to go before i called her and i was shaking uncontrollably, breathing with such short breaths, sweating so bad and holding back tears. she said he couldnt come and i broke down. i wanted to get this off my chest so bad. its so much torture. she said he may come monday. which means i have to go through this feeling all over again, but at work. i can't handle this i havnt had the urge to cut myself this bad in so long.

i'm crying so hard i can't even see the computer screen.

my mums stupidly been asking "so what do you want to do". well what the fuck CAN i do?!! i have to wait. i have to build up all this confidence again just to crumble into a heap one hour before it happens all over again. i wanted this off my chest. i wanted most of this problem to start resolving itself and going away.

its not going to happen for another 2 days now.

i can't take it. i don't have anyone to blubber to that can just take it. i've blubbered enough to my partner, plus he's probably having a stressfree day of playing video games or something. he's having a friend over tonight, i don't need him worrying about me. i should be strong enough. i've been through so much in my life. why the FUCK haven't i had the ability to absorb it all and use it to make me stronger.

i'm as weak as fuck right now. any little thing from here could trigger... i haven't cut myself in over a year. i have the biggest scar on my thigh from the last time i did it. it went down so deep i could see the fat tissue. i didn't get stitches. didnt see the doctor. i just dealt with it. had to wear gauze for 2 weeks almost.

i hate myself more than i hate the guy that raped me. i wish i couldn't feel emotion.

just one person

2008-02-05T02:36:45Z

It all seems like too much for one person to handle at the moment.

I'm currently learning how to read an write another language so i can make my parents happy with the whole marrying a guy thats outside my culture/background. on the bright side, he is learning with me.

I have SOOO much study to do for this major exam i'm sitting in a month and a half, and i'm stressing about it. I really want to do well, but there is so much i need to know for it.

I have all this wedding planning so that we can have the wedding by the end of May before his sister leaves to go overseas.

I have to get over the hurdle of my dad finding out about my partner and my relationship (which should be happening any time now).

My body insecurities are through the roof. I added an extra 10mins of rowing to an hour of high impact aerobics and another 100 sit ups before bed. It was punishment for that extra muffin!!!

I really really really want to see my partner but he's interstate even if i DID get the oppertunity to get away and see him. I want a hug, and he's been so stressed lately too with work and stuff. We could both do with a hug.

the second half of this year is going to be so much more relaxing than it is now.

I also found out last night that the trip to the UK may still be on, which my partner is happy about. i was sort of relieved in a way that i wouldnt have to wait a year to start my new uni degree if i got through. but on the other side i was sad that another adventure had flown out the window without me being able to take it. Now it may still be on, and as much as i want to go to the UK so badly and spend some amazing time with my partner, i do want to get this course underway. I didn't really want to wait another whole year.

I need a holiday. i can't wait for our honeymoon

well, lunch is over, i should get back to doing some work

x

not the same

2008-01-29T03:40:23Z

I was in the middle of studying and thought I'd take a break. Not sure how much of one i'll get later on, and i haven't posted in a while. I have an experiment running in the lab at the moment and gota take samples again in an hour or so.

Bumped into a girl the other day thats taken the exam i'm studying for, she said for me not to worry and stress so much about it. She says she LITERALLY fucked up the exam but still got through and she owes it to her mark in honours. My mark isnt as good as hers, but its still pretty good. I was happy with it. I also heard though, that this girl had a good word put in about her... On the other hand, another friend of mine has sat the test 2 or 3 times and failed it each time. I need to get above 55%, then i should get an interview. However, i need to make sure i have the science down pat, cos im really crap at essays.

I was going to get someone to help me with essays and stuff, but that sorta fell through. I think he has a jelous girlfriend. Anyways, doesnt matter, im sure i can do it on my own. Almost finished studying all the sciences, its crazy how much i've learnt over the years. It feels like you forget everything the minute you don't need to use it anymore. Just have the rest of physics and ive done it all. I can move onto english and stuff. I have a month and a half left before i have to sit the exam.

I found out recently that my adventure to the UK after i get married is probably off. My partner was maybe going to have to move to the UK for a year or so next year and i was going to go with him. We were both really looking forward to it. To the adventure and to the fact that we wouldnt be anywhere NEAR our families in our first year together. It would have been good. Would have given us time to just be together without having to feel as if we are required to do anything or be anywhere. My partner got really upset when he found out it is probably a no go. I could see it on his face. I felt so bad for him.

Ohwell, now i wont have to postpone a year of getting into this course...the earlier i start, the earlier i finish and the earlier i can start making alright money. It may be tough over the next few years with a mortgage and just my partner working full time. I'll definately go back to part time. I'd feel so horrible if our lives got financially hard especially because of me. Mine sorta already is...damn that shopping spree!! LOL, now i have my car registration, tyres, service and aircon., my phone bill, my medical insurance, my partners birthday. I've already paid the $300 required to sit this exam in march. I'm so glad i dont celebrate valentines day. That's one less present i have to worry about.

Had a life changing event happen the other day. I realised im not the same person i used to be. I used to not care all that much about a lot of things, now i feel like im a bitch. At the beginning of our relationship i was pretty much assuming my partner was going to cheat on me. They always did. So i didnt care where he went, who he went with, what he was doing.

But then he proved to be amazing. We got more serious, then i got a little clingy i think. I started getting jelous. I was never going to tell him this though. I'd get upset (secretly) when he went to a party or caught up with some girl friends, and i started getting heaps narky about dope smoking. I dont like it. I've never really liked it. But it shouldnt be up to me as to whether he is allowed to do it or not.

I found out that he says no to doing it partly because i dont like it. I hated myself when i heard that. I used to be all for people doing what makes them feel good. Especially since i come from a family that is all against that. I'm not the same person. but now that i've figured this out, i vow to change. I've had a talk with my partner and i'm going to fix it. Funny thing is, he hadn't even noticed it and admitted that he felt the same way with the jelousy thing sometimes.

Good side?? a few people have commented on my weight loss, including my partner, which is great. Mum's been paying me out about it and says that if i lose anymore i'll be heaps unattractive. Little does she know i secretly enjoy it when people say i shouldnt get thinner, makes me want to lose more!! But i'm patient. Going slow. Don't want to completely destroy my body. i'm sitting on 50kg now. Another 4-5kg should be fine.

An old friend commented on my body the other day, he hugged me and then said "god you just keep getting thinner and thinner. don't you eat??!!". He's known me for 5 years and we don't see eachother all that often, so he's the first that would notice any change. Made me feel good.

Got to pee REAL bad, and maybe i should get back to the studying.

ciao

not getting your way

2008-01-22T03:02:25Z

The other day i went to a wedding, my partners cousins. It was pretty fun, it was quite different to the kind of weddings i'm used to, especially because of my background. Anyways, at this wedding everyone was saying how excited they were about mine and my partners upcoming wedding.

They were all saying how great it is that our wedding will be quite similar to the way it used to be with the fact that once we get married EVERYTHING changes. His cousins have been living together for 5 years before they got married so everyone believed that signing a piece of paper didnt make all that different. However, for my partner and i we will go from hardly seeing eachother, each others families, living together or even beign able to spend nights together, to something of the complete opposite. Its going to be a HUGE step for both of us. So everyone is so excited because it's such a big deal.

Anyway, on the way to the wedding my partner cracked another joke about my spiritual beliefs. He is an athiest and i have NEVER had a problem with that. In actual fact im kind of jelous of that. Its not as if i believe in a god... It's just i WANT to believe in something thats greater than what is here. I don't want to think this is ALL there is. By being an athiest i believe that you must feel life is the best it can be. You dont have to believe in something thats better because you have it. When he cracked this joke it upset me. I think its the closest he's ever got me to crying in 3.5 years...lol. He realised it upset me and i pretended it was all fine just so he could have fun at the wedding.

I talked to him about it last night though. I told him how ever since i was raped my life had gone completely down hill and i JUST wanted things to be good again. No matter how hard i tried it was never good. Things always got in the way of my happiness. I explained to him that its not necessarily a GOD i believed in but i wanted to believe in something that was GOOD...just good. Pure, happy, fun, good. For all i know, it could be ME. Once im completely happy in myself i may not need to want to believe in something spiritual. Although i've always liked the concept of spirituality and the soul etc.

I think the conversation went well.

he started telling me about how hard things have been getting for him because he's not used to not getting his own way with things he's wanted. this whole marriage thing is getting to him. he wants to do it his way but he knows he can't and its making him ready to kill someone. on the other hand i've never had things my own way, so whats another day?? its just a wedding, what im more concerned with is how great our life will be afterwards.

He said "im more worried about the fact that you're still not getting what you want". My only reply? i AM getting what i want. I'm getting HIM, and with my background and families traditional beliefs i will be over the moon just for the marriage to run smoothly. I don't give a fuck about what we need to do on the day, so long as we dont spend all our money. Its only ONE day :)... i think he got it.

I'm so glad we can talk like this. The last thing i want is our relationship to be like my parents where one person never expresses how they are feeling and bottles everything up while the other is an emotional abuser and thinks he's king of the world.

Anyways, tonight is another lesson at the religious place, we want to try and hurry it up so the religious leader can talk to my dad about whats going on. Im getting so tired of waiting and fretting.

I'll leave it here for now.

so hard

2008-01-17T23:26:03Z

why does everything have to be so hard??!! why does MY life have to be sooo FUCKING hard. im so sick of it.

it's been over 20 years, you'd think i could hold on for another year. but its getting harder and harder. i hate not being able to hug my boyfriend (FIANCE!) whenever i feel like , i hate having to fly through rings of fire just to get my own way, i hate being so nice to my family and getting NOTHING in return.

i hate how my life has to revolve around OTHER peoples babies and shit. i DONT care if they work and they have a child, FUCK it. there is such a thing as day care. why do i have to come home after work to find babies everywhere, yelling and a house full of fucking idiots?! and my dad always wonders why im at work late or i go to the gym so often.

i cant handle my home life. i can't handle how loud it always is and that NO matter how much time we spend doing washing, putting up washing, vaccuuming, dishes etc etc, the house always looks like a fucking bomb hit it BECAUSE of the babies.

don't get me wrong, i wouldnt mind one day having one of my own, and i understand that MY life revolves around MY childs, but the last thing im EVER EVER going to do is make it so that someone ELSE's life has to revolve around my childs. dont have babies if you haven't discusses what your going to do about taking care of them while you're at work.

and for FUCKS sake...how hard is it to attempt to toilet train them??!! my nephews are almost 2 and we still have to change their diapers. and it always stinks. i understand that regardless of being toilet trained babies can still have accidents in their nappies, but still...atleast our bin outside wont continously smell of baby poo.

ps. i can talk like this about babies and stuff, because my younger brother is only 6 and i used to be one of the ones that toilet trained/baby sat him. it really isnt ALL that hard, a little difficult to start, but once you get the ball rolling...

i miss my partner. i miss hugging and kissing him when ever i liked. i miss being in the same room as him all day everyday, i miss the days we'd used to blow off uni just to lie in bed and watch movies. i miss how i can have discussions with him without someone flying in a completely opposite tangent and yelling just to show how amazing their argument is. im getting sick and tired of these stupid phone calls we have to give eachother every night.

i hate everything right now.

bright side: get to see my boyfriend for the first time in a week tonight. too bad its only for like 2 hours. and i get to see him tomorrow at his cousins wedding, so for about 10 hours. too bad i'll be seeing him WITH his family...atleast i'll be seeing him.

im so sick of pretending im happy & that everything is ok. i feel like cutting again.

tracker : Continuously Updated!!

2008-01-15T01:04:35Z

thought this might help keep track of everything

back from holiday

2008-01-14T22:38:08Z

well it was a really fun week (mostly)

shopping for 4 days straight!!! 4 days. we would leave at 9:30ish in the morning to catch the tram/train, then return home at 5:30ish. we would be walking all day. it felt awsome and because i was so preoccupied with shopping, i didnt have the urge to just eat non stop. i get that when im bored LOL.

The last 2 days of my holiday (thursday and friday), i pretty much spent the days at my partners house playing "housewife" lol. the funniest part is i didnt mind it. i cleaned, cooked, moped etc. his house was fairly messy, mainly because he doesnt ever feel the urge to clean and his sister who is living with him works a fair bit. i guess the mess just builds up. its never DIRTY, just untidy. but i vacuumed and everything. it was amazing how the house looked after.

i went to the effort of cooking lamb chops and rosemary potatoes and the next day home made pizza (from scratch, even the dough), which was wicked because then i could make it the way i wanted and keep it as healthy as i could.

anyways, i've been accepted into the proana community. this should be helpful with many things i think, just having people to talk to that go through the same thing as me or have the same sort of problems. i really cant talk about my body issues or my past with self harming with friends. i have mentioned it sometimes with my partner, but the last thing i need is to complain to him more than i already am.

on another note, ive had this continuous stitch lately. it just wont go away (on my left side so i know its not my appendix). i used to get it while doing the high impact aerobics class, but it wouldnt happen till about 30-40 minutes into the class. now i get it during the warm up!!! not only that, but i get one during the day for no apparent reason. i'll just be walking and all of a sudden i'll get this pain as if someone is stabbing me from the inside. its getting REALLY REALLY aggravating. my friend says i should see a doctor, and i guess its probably the best thing to do.

i did some research on what a stitch is and its believed to be a strained/pulled ligament that travels from your diaphragm to your liver and thats why applying pressure helps. because you lift the liver up slightly that eleviates the pressure. i just want it to stop.

i guess i'll keep the results posted.

better get going, have work to do and really should study a little today. completed organic chemistry and biology. i've got physical chemistry and physics to go before i move on to essay writing and comprehension. only 3 months to go before the big day!!! i'm starting to shit myself, and it doesnt help that i'm going through all this other stress with my partner going to meet my whole family soon and my body issues.

shopping!!

2008-01-04T00:23:00Z

so i'm taking a week off work this coming week, going interstate to have a heavy shopping adventure. i haven't bought any clothes in a while just so i have heaps when this shopping trip comes along.

it will be good, walking ALL day long and keeping busy, small portions of food, maybe it will help me shift the last few kg. i dont think im going to buy any inspiration clothes, i think i'll just stick to my size. last year we went and i didnt really find much that i liked, don't know why. i didnt spend NEARLY as much as i expected i would. i guess i'm one of those people that like to balance the price with the worth. im not going to buy a $150 dress (even if it looks amazing on me) if i know i'm going to end up wearing it only once, but i'll buy $200 jeans because i know i'll wear them ALL the time. specially if they look good on me.

anyways, new years was great. james bond party went off like a blast. got all dressed up, so did my partner. he went all out with a bowtie and everything. too bad i can't post pictures..dont' want people to know who i am. anyways, the best part about it was that there was no alcohol that i actually liked at the party, so i didnt drink any. kept my calorie count down something fierce. plus i danced all night. felt awsome!! then the next day i felt great and i didnt have to nurse a stupid hang over or anything. i hate the feeling of vomiting.

new years day was fun. went to a massive park place and spent a bunch of time with family. playing with the kids and stuff really took it out of me. i binged on the healthy stuff that mum brought, like carrots and cherries and stuff. then i felt too full to have any of the meat or sandwiches, so atleast it wasn't a binge full of fat and stuff...i was pretty happy with myself. i did allow that day to just not worry about stuff since i was going to be running around.

anyways, found out that my marriage may need to be around may/June, dad still doesnt know about my partner. i guess we are assuming he will find out sometime this month. i guess the earlier the better. the quicker i get to move in with him the happier i will be. plus, i'll get more sex....

i'm in a fairly good mood today, which is great. but i know i'm going to crash really bad soon cos my period is on the way. i always get one day of depression just before my period. its horrible, and its even worse because my FAT day coincides with my depression day lol. i guess having it all in one go is better than it spread over a week.

i saw I AM LEGEND last night. i didn't mind it. i jumped SO high in one part. its a VERY suspenseful movie. you know exactly WHAT is going to happen, but not exactly WHEN, so it still scares the crap out of you. i guess i wasn't a fan of the inconsitency of the science, but hey, it was creative so i forgive them LOL..

have a wonderful weekend.

xx

New years resolution

2007-12-31T03:55:35Z

WOW, 2 posts in one day..im so fucking bored.

my resolutions; maybe if i write them down i may stick to them. i've never been one to make a new years resolution, why wait until january the first to get things back on track??!!

anyways
1: FUCKING STUDY! STUDY! STUDY!
2: get to my goal weight by the end of january at the latest (95)
3: maintain my goal weight (of lose another 5lbs) before my wedding in May/June
4: try and be happy...TRY
5: continue to post in my journal on a regular basis
6: control my eating better when i get home from work

i REALLY REALLY want to pass this MAJOR exam early next year so i can get into another uni degree for 2009. i've always wanted to do this one, but since my parents were strict i couldnt go interstate to do one year and then transfer back here. stupid parents. that is ONE thing i WONT do with my kids..make them miss out on oppertunities of a life time.

however even if i do pass it and get through the interview rounds and my past uni grades have been great, i may be moving to the UK for a while from late 2008 into 2009. which means i may miss out on getting in. but i can use the grades to get in 2010....its been postponed longer than i'd like it to. but my partners job means he may need to move for a year or so....

it will be an AMAZING adventure. i've never really had adventures like this due to my parents strictness, but i hope im as passionate to do this course when i get back as i have been the last 5 years.

got accepted into the pa-waiting room :).

new years

2007-12-31T00:32:41Z

alien vs predator was good, not much of a story line. but hey, mindless violence can be fun sometimes too. i think this movie went straight for shock value...which is good in a way :).

anyways, tonight is new years eve and im going to a 007 Bond party, which should be fun. getting all dressed up is fun sometimes. i THINK i'm in the mood, but i've said yes to going, so no turning back lol. i found out yesterday morning that i've lost about 2-3 kg, which is fantastic!! the most i've been doing is restricting my portion sizes. this has worked well and it means i dont get HEAPS hungry, but my stomach is shrinking so now i just eat less overall.

my weakness is still chocolate LOL. damn that tasty tasty stuff.

this time of the year always depresses me. i'm not sure why it has this year as this year is much different to all my others, but maybe its because i think about an old friend around this time of year. i used to have a friend who was amazing, we didnt catch up all that often, but he was my rock around these times of year. his life was fairly hard but we helped eachother through it. we'd always message and talk. however, he hated it here in this city, he had wanted to leave for as long as i'd known him. i guess he had an ok job, but there were just so many things in his life that would screw him around; girlfriends, work (he did a little modelling)...and his only salvation sometimes was alcohol.

he would message me sometimes when he was drunk, they'd usually make NO sense (LOL) but i'd know what he was trying to say.

i loved him. not like a wife loves her husband, or a mother loves their child, but as much as a best friend could love another.

he left eventually (a fair few years ago). just left the city, called me on his way out. i was at a boyfriends place at the time and i cried, my boyfriend couldnt see the big deal (bastard). he called me to tell me that he wasnt keeping his phone either, so i had no way of contacting him, which although i understand why he did it, it hurt me to know that there are so many people that he doesnt want to contact him that he would give up on him being able to contact me.

i got a few calls from him over the next couple of years and every time i heard his voice it was amazing. i missed him so much sometimes, as i do right now. i would love to put his name on here just incase he ever reads this or something (LONG LONG shot), but he did make me promise that i would never discuss his life. i guess i could say his chat name, however i'm not sure if i remember it properly. i THINK he used to call himself along the lines of "festival" or something.

anyways, i always wonder what happened to Festival. he was suicidal sometimes and i HOPE SO BADLY that his life came back on track, that he got an amazing job and an amazing girlfriend that treats him the way he deserves to be treated. i wish he had kept me in his life. i know it was a few years ago and it seems like something i should just "get over", but he was there when noone else was. i've hardly ever had that in my life.

have a wonderful new years everyone, hope you meet what ever goals you put forward.

xx

christmas

2007-12-26T06:55:03Z

so, another public holiday and another day of grazing like a cow. i hate christmas, along with it not being very celebrated by my family, i just get depressed by it. i missed my partner and his christmas lunch with his family, which even though he finds unpleasant, i have fun. i guess its from all the years of spending the christmas public holiday at home just watching movies or something.

i hate how much food i've eaten over the past couple of days. ive been trying so hard to keep my portions small, but its hard when people are watching you eat. and if you decide to have smaller portions everyone has a cry. it kinda annoys me. my partner and i went out for lunch the day before xmas and i had xmas eve dinner with his family. i love having lunch with my partner, i've never been such a fan of dinner. lunch has always been my most important meal. its just the way i've been brought up. anyway, if i do have dinner, i like to have it early (before 7). thats the way it was meant to be xmas eve, but dinner wasn't served until about 8. it annoyed me. i tried to eat a small amount but my partners mum made such a fuss over the fact that along with my chicken and stuff i only had TWO potato pieces LOL... so i had to make sure i atleast ate what was there.

ohwell. if i ever have dinner i enjoy a salad. something light, refreshing and VERY low in fat.

I'm hoping that from tomorrow (when i go back to work as today is boxing day) i can start afresh with my small portion eating regime. i bought my partner a cookbook for xmas (jamie oliver), and that has some amazing stuff in there. it'd be good to learn the stuff that he knows. i love the way he cooks, you can tweak it to your own liking also (using less fatty stuff :P)

a friend of mine read this last time, he said "WOW", which is what i assumed. there is a fair amount in here that people don't know. i guess i'm glad that i shared this with someone. he sounds concerned about my infatuation with pro-anorexia and my recent plan to eat even less/better and exercise more efficiently. i guess i can see why he would be concerned.

however, i've been kinda fat before, and i LOVE the feeling of being thin. i love how things fit you better and how you don't have to take as much off the bottom of new pants. i never want to be fat again, and although people may say "you were never fat, you were just chubby", i feel i was HUMONGOUS. i just want this last little bit of weight to go. but i dont want it to happen fast because then i can just put it back on as fast. so steady as she goes. i can't wait till i lose the last 5-10kg.

seeing ALIEN VS. PREDATOR 2 tonight!! can't wait!!!

fat day

2007-12-14T04:41:25Z

another day. another fat day.

i'm really starting to hate my body. you know in life when you feel like a change with your hair style or your clothes? well today i feel like a body change. my thighs are too fat, my boobs are too small, i'm too short (WAY too short) and i hate my butt, and my upper arms are too buff.

i've always been so self concious about my body. i've even had lipo to proportion it a little. my stats?

5 foot 1
53kg

i really want to be anywhere between 45 and 50kg, i just feel like it would make life easier. dont ask me how. i've been though so much and well, nothing else has made anything better.

i've never heard one person complain about my body. in actual fact there are a fair few people that like it, but i dont. and thats all that matters. i dont care if i have the ability to turn other people on with my body, i only care about the way i perceive myself and whether i can wear those jeans or not.

it would be so much easier in life if i was thinner...thats the way i think. it's stupid. i doubt i have an eating disorder. i dont purge (anymore), but i do cry when i look in the mirror sometimes. i strive to eat healthy, and my portions lately have been getting smaller and smaller. i obsess about fat contents in food, but lately ive been more concerned with how many calories i eat. i guess every girl has her insecurities. mine is mainly in my arse. AHAHA. aww, if you can't laugh at yourself who can you laugh at huh?

noone i know knows abotu my insecurities i think. whenever i voice my disappointment to how something looks on me or how fatening a certain food is everyone in my family makes fun of me. im the thinnest between my sisters and stuff and they all call me "ano" or "bullimic", and its kind of sad when they make those jokes. because there are girls out there that really have those problems and i feel really sorry for them. sometimes however, i wish i was them.

i've been stalking a pro anorexia community lately, getting tips and stuff. and although i may not be able to go as far as some of those girls/guys go (although i do admire their perserverance and dedication), it has given me a few pointers.

i'm pretty depressed with my apperance today, i guess it must be the singlet im wearing.
i wish my stomach was flatter. but you'd think 3 minute hovers would fix that...

its my background. i will be doomed with curves all my life...but always more on the lower half than the top half.

well a friend of mine is going to read this soon, and there is so much in here that he doesn't know...and may be shocked to even read it. hopefully he doesnt change his attitude towards me. he will be the first...

tata

too long

2007-12-12T04:39:51Z

well, this past week has been hugely eventful. i've gone from clinically depressed to blissfully happy in the period of 3 days. i think my body is hating me right now with all the mood changes. the thing is, noone sees these mood changes. it's all kept secret, except for the other day when after a night of crying myself to sleep the next day i was kind of quiet at work. im not the type of girl thats all that quiet. i'm usually outspoken, but the word would i guess be...fun??

anyways, i was a bit quiet, everyone kept asking why. what could i say? "i'm just heaps tired" is all i could come up with. the last thing i need is for people to think i can't deal with my problems. i have heaps of them yes, but i've dealt with them on my own for a long time. i went on depressents once and i didnt like the way they made me feel. i was never depressed, but i was a zombie. i was never happy, nor sad, nor excited. i was just .... bleh.

the day i cried myself to sleep was one of the hardest days ive ever had. i honestly can't remember the last time i was that sad. i really really really wanted to revert back to the self harm, but i had promised myself that i was never going to do that. i deal with physical pain so much better than the emotional type. but i just cried and cried and cried. i had to turn my pillow over a few times because it kept getting so wet!

i was feeling so abandoned. i had no support for anything i was going through and it hurt so much. my boyfriend is amazing, but there is so much that i can vent to him without feeling like i'm making him my emotional punching bag. he gets enough of my crap. in actual fact, he gets more than i ever wanted him to go through. i'm so lucky

anywho, i guess the whole introducing my partner to my family is getting to me. my older brother knows now and mum. dad is another story. but i got some great news about that and i feel that it may get easier. my partner is going through the whole process to get "accepted" by my family. i guess thats the best i can say to not give too much about myself away. he's doing stuff in order to fit in (which i love him for) and make it easier on the transition. and so a person that is helping him do all this knows my father quite well and says he is going to go to the trouble of introducing them and MAKING my father like him ahaha.

im still scared shitless. but i feel a little better. having the talk with this person has helped me. i mean who better to have on your side than one of the most powerful people in your culture?? atleast i have someone now. mum still isnt happy, but she is accepting. i dont feel like i have to lie as much now about him, and my brother, well his first notion was "AWWW, what am i going to speak to him about??!!" ahahah. my brothers first instincts was to complain about the issue that him and my partner may not get along...so i guess that's ok. he still has his doubts though.

i just want someone to be happy and excited for me. my partner is amazing. he has an amazing job, he's bought a house (which is fantastic for a 22 yo), has a brilliant mind and makes life fulfulling, fun and exciting.

thats enough gloating

xo

face mask

2007-12-02T11:29:01Z

ok, my second post. currently sitting here in my jammies with a face mask on that claims will clear out all the impurities in my face..too bad nothing can clear out the impurities of my life.

i've recently joined a new community (attempting to join another) and so far one reply from my post that i put up :) which is fantastic. people are so nice and welcoming. nothing from anyone reading my journal though. i guess that will come with time once i've made a few friends and stuff. on with my story....

after my rape i felt useless. i felt that the only way boys would like me was if i gave out. however i didn't, but i always put the concept out there. i guess i became a bit of a tease, which didn't help me in the long run. my second boyfriend came when i was in year 9 after having a few flings with some guys. scott. attractive guy, a little on the "bad" side which i guess always attracted me, but all in all,seemed like a nice guy. he was to begin with. he started trying to convince me how much we should have sex. in the end he tried to have sex with me. by this time i had built up a little confidence and i kicked him. hard. it worked out. he tried to apologise and stuff, but even i knew that you cant take someone back after an attempted rape! ahaha. its wierd, i can laugh and cry about it now depending on the mood im in. guess this face mask is just making me kinda relaxed.

enough of bad stories, maybe giving you a little on whats happening in my life at the moment. im with the most amazing boy in the world. supportive, considerate, yet individual. however, he's an australian and white. im not. and my parents are hugely traditional. i've been with him for 3.5 years and every single time i've been with him is fantastic. he makes me feel amazing. and although i still have huge body issues, i feel good about myself most of the time i'm around him. i dont really go on about my body issues with him because all i get is "i find you hot" ahah. however, he was there to support me when i had liposculpture. he didnt really LIKE the concept, but said that if it was going to make me happy then he'll support me completely. and he did.

anyways, we're getting married. he asked me about 6 months ago. i was so scared to tell my parents. they didnt even know i had a boyfriend. sofar i've only told my mum. she's SORTA come to terms with it. even wants to have coffee with him and meet him and stuff. my dad on the other hand, scared shitless. SOOO much to tell about my dad. hes emotionally abusive. has oppressed my mum for years and i resent him for it. i could go ON AND ON about my dad. im sure he feels he's doing the right thing, but for someone that burns all my mums jewelery because HE didnt give it to her deserves to feel pain sometimes. anyways, i'm going to tell my older brother first because when i tell my dad not only will i have support, but incase he goes CRAZY and starts striking people i have some muscle to help me. my dad can be physically abusive also. he hit my brother when he told him about a girl he was seeing. my brother was 23.

i guess the type of father i have never helped with my self esteem or self image issues. nothing was ever good enough for him. ive recently just come to terms with it and finally not given a crap about what he says. he's my father yes, and i respect and love him. but there are times he acts like a father and times that he doesn't. the latter causes him to lose my respect and even love for him. he wont be happy about my man. he never will be. but im sure that he will one day realise that i am with the best person that anyone could ever ask their daughter to be with.

end transmission

the beginning

2007-11-30T06:35:02Z

well its my first post. really not sure how to start it. hopefully by this point you've read my profile page?? it may give you a slight background on me and my life. well VERY slight.

so, a journal to express my complete thoughts and discuss all the crap thats going on in my life. maybe i'll start with when the crap started. i guess i was 14 yo (im currently in my early 20s), and i kinda fell into the wrong crowd. you know the type, drugs sex and rock and roll...well i was the only one that enjoyed rock and roll. the rest were mainly into drugs..fair few into teh sex. i was young...i really didnt understand or want to get into the sex side of stuff. but the boy i was with at the time wouldn't let me forget how important sex was to him.

i was young and impressionable. My whole life had been sheltered by my family. I came from a horrendously strict upbringing and everything that’s going to be said in this journal my family don’t know about. Nothing. Zip. it started with drugs. not much. i was a smart girl..not smart enough. i did it for his attention. i even knew he was sleeping with other girls, which i didnt mind all the time because it would get him off my back when it came to complaining about how much of a sex life we lacked.i found him so attractive i didnt want him to get bored with me. he had a huge reputation and i wanted to tell people he was my boyfriend, so a trophy boy i guess.

The complaining didn’t last long, he finally got what he wanted. I said no over and over, but not only was he adamant, I was also slightly intoxicated. It hurt. I cant express how much it hurt physically and mentally. The worst part about it was that it wasn’t even vaginal sex. It was one of the, if not, worse experiences of my life. A best friend took me and helped me get tested and all that junk. If it weren’t for him I would have fallen apart. Since then we have lost contact tho, unfortunately. I owe him my life. Since the incident I became self conscious, self destructing, depressed and suicidal for a point in time. I never attempted suicide though. i kept playing it over in my mind wondering what i could have done to change it. did i let it happen? did i not fight hard enough? was it my fault? Later in my life I began to self harm. It was not until I was about 18 (4 years later) that I discussed this incident with anyone. Almost all the people in my life still don’t know. I have been out with my current partner for 3.5 years and he only found out about 6 months ago, and the only thing he knows is that I was raped, nothing about the details. It’s just something I don’t like to bring up with people I know, or face to face. But every so often I crave to get the experience out of my head.

Not such a great topic to start with huh? But there is so much more to talk about, and it doesn’t get worse than this, yet it doesn’t get that much better either. Not until I finally get to the current point in my life. I'm going to leave this entry at that. stay tuned, your comments are more than welcome.